Daylight Savings Time. St. Patrick’s Day. Earth Day. Palm Sunday.
Spring Training for the Orioles. March Madness for the Terps.
A makeover for the Ravens.
March 2015 is already half over.
March is the month of Aries the Ram and Pisces the fish, the first and last signs of the zodiac.
Aries and Pisces couldn’t be more different.
Aries is all about the planet Mars, the surface element of fire, the color red; the ambitions of honeysuckle forged of iron and diamond.
Pisces dwells in the depths of a Neptunian ocean, green, with the soul of a water lily, the malleability of tin, and the fragile vibrancy of coral.
I don’t put much stock in astrology.
I once had a roommate who, to measure accuracy, only read yesterday’s horoscope.
March is National Optimism Month and National Problem Gambling Awareness Month (which seems a little at odds to me), Employee Spirit Month (I work alone. That can be dispiriting. Until I remember what not working alone can be like.), and Dolphin Awareness Month (Be aware that though brilliant animals, dolphins can be rape-y, or so I was once told, right before I got out of the water while swimming with some dolphins.).
March is also National Kidney Month, National Eye Donor Month, and National Craft Month. Please celebrate each separately, and do not try to craft a kidney and eyeball centerpiece for the National Frozen Food Month dinner party you’re planning.
The first week of the month was National Ghost Writers Week and Celebrate Your Name Week. (Again, with the crossed-purposes vibe.)
The first week of March was also marked by the International Festival of Owls, and last week was National Aardvark Week. I can’t see where the two species have much in common except they’re both nocturnal, they both have some mean-ass claws, and they both have a whole week devoted to them in March, while buzzards, puppies, and pigs get one lousy day.
As do French bread (the 1st), potato chips (14th) and chocolate (24th).
Cheese Doodles Day and Absinthe Day shared the 5th.
Crabmeat Day and Meatballs Day, the 9th.
March 1st was both National Beer Day and National Self-Injury Awareness Day.
Now that’s a combo that makes sense.
March 2nd was Dr. Seuss Day, the day after Beer and Self-injury Day, the day after I drank and then got in my way, the day the doc told me I would not be okay, the day the nurse told me I’d be in traction ‘til May. And that’s how I celebrated Dr. Seuss Day.
March 18th is National Awkward Moments Day.
I will celebrate National Awkward Moments Day by remembering the time I followed the wrong hearse to the wrong graveyard for the wrong funeral, the time I made an on-microphone fat joke at a class reunion, and the time I got spanked with a large purple sex toy in front of a VFW hall packed with friends and family.
March 20th is both Extraterrestrial Abduction Day and World Storytelling Day.
Makes sense to me.
March 28th is Weed Appreciation Day, Something on a Stick Day, and Respect Your Cat Day.
I don’t know what any of that means.
I do know the month of March is named for Mars, the Roman god of war.
In the religious mythology of the time and place, Mars was second only to Jupiter in the religious pantheon. He was the sire of the Roman people, and a patron of agriculture.
Yet Mars was tricked.
By a woman.
The culprit in this legendary matrimonial switcheroo was the cunning time-goddess Anna Perenna, an archetypical embodiment of womanhood’s wily ways.
The Romans traditionally celebrated the Festival of Anna Perenna on March 15.
The Ides of March.
We know the Ides of March because Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back on that day.
By a bunch of dudes.
March is Women’s History Month.
Say what you want about Women’s History, but my history with women, from the early influences of my grandmother, mom, and sister, right through to my wife and daughter, is that I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to be a better man from the women in my life.
And I’ll tell you that no matter the month.